So your mom was a hairy beast and you have inherited her beautiful beard.
It's a curse as well as a blessing because now-a-days all the ladies expect you to keep that chin animal tamed. Long gone are the days of free range beards and all their benefits.
Despite the fact that they stood in lines and shot at each other from 10 yards... even our Civil War ancestors weren't stupid enough to let their beards run wild... and neither should you! But then again, they could follow directions, could shoot a gun, start a fire, smoke a pipe, and use an ax... sometimes to kill a tree... and sometimes to shave their balls.
These days beard oil is a pretty acceptable method of keeping it looking good... but please note that if you are smart enough to believe that beard oil will help your beard keep it's shape then you are smart enough to date your own sister. She's quite the catch!
There are a couple of variables you have to consider...
Beard size and activity.
Beard Size...
If you have a grown ass man beard the likes of which makes the glorious God above envious... it's going to be a bit harder to keep that MF in place. If you have a little corporate girly training beard, it's gonna stay put during nuclear holocaust.
Activity...
If you are out on the ice playing hockey, or snowboarding, or in bed with your woman... nothing other than hardened steel or concrete is going to keep your beard in place. Regardless... the beard oil will keep it smelling great.
A product more suited to control... but without all the hassles of mouth zippers and buckles... that has some hold to it... like beard balm... will solve that problem... but that is an article for another day.
Aside from the bottle and dropper...
... beard oil consists of 2 parts...
The carrier oil...
The essential oil...
Let's compare the carrier oil to the water in a swimming pool.
And let's compare the essential oils to you and your 43 inbred kids peeing in the pool.
Carrier oil is called "carrier" because unlike your groin, it has no aroma of it's own. It's only job is to dilute the essential oils added to it and allow the their scent to be "carried" to the nose.
The carrier oil makes up the bulk of what's in the bottle of beard oil and the essential oils are just a tiny fraction of that. Just like you make up the majority of you and your little squirrel nuts make up a microscopic little part of you.. like a mosquito on a blue whale.
If the beard oil manufacturer decides to use 90% carrier oils, they would then use 10% essential oils... or 95% and 5%, or 98% and 2%... they get to decide. See how that works Einstein?
A single carrier oil can be used or a mixture of several... just like your preferred choice of wine coolers tough guy.
Some examples of carrier oils are Jojoba Oil, Argen Oil, Avocado Oil, Grape Seed Oil, Coconut Oil, etc.
Each oil has a different structure made up of different molecular bonds and chains... Think of all the parts
that make up you... 2 arms, 2 legs, 11 toes, a sloping forehead, untamed unibrow, your mothers thighs, a crippling case of penis envy, a tiny bladder, and enough back hair to cover 3 football fields.
Just like each of your parts have a job to do... so do the different parts of the oils.
Oils are composed of things like lauric acid, linolic acid, oleic acid, stearic acid, with different lengths of carbon chains and bonds. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fatty_acid) Each different oil is chosen by the manufacturer of the beard oil for the different things each does for your skin and beard when applied... and cost.
Essential oil is named "essential" because after processing, what is left is the concentrated essence (smell) of the flower/leaf/needle/bark/insect/seed.
Essential oils are mostly about the smells but some also have other naturally beneficial properties to them as well... like being antibacterial in the case of cinnamon leaf oil... which is just an added benefit... much like how your phone in it's giant bible sized case on your belt causes respectable women to avoid you... like a car avoiding a stray dog on a freeway... for the benefit of all mankind.
Essential oils are added to the carrier oils in chosen ratios to give the beard oil the aroma the beard oil manufacturer wants.
Essential oils start off as a giant shit ton of the particular thing... like a big pile of bark or leaves from the cinnamon tree for example or the glitter from your "work" boots and hard hat.
Steam or solvents like ethanol, methanol, hexane, and chloroform are used to release the oil from the raw materials. http://www.orientjchem.org/vol30no1/extraction-of-essential-oil-from-cinnamon-cinnamomum-zeylanicum/ After processing, the oil is collected and sold to companies wanting to sell oil to the companies wanting to make beard oil. Thank you middle middle man.
How the raw materials are heated is another story (think deforestation, soil erosion, and smoky skies for fire fuel and global warming) as many are made in India and various parts of Asia where resources like wood, coal, or their worthless fiat currency may be burned to extract the oils.
How to Apply Beard Oil
Again... this is going to somewhat depend on how big your beard is because the bigger your beard is, the more oil you're going to use. I have a big ass man beard so I use a whole dropper full. If you have a delicate little beard a single drop is gonna be just fine.
Drop whatever amount you are going to use in one hand, put the dropper back in the bottle... no need to screw it in right now... then rub the oil between both hands until it coats both your palms which with your tiny hands should take about point 3 of a second.
Start massaging it into your beard.
Again... if you have a little baby beard this is going to be really easy... like date night with your mom... and is going to be over really fast... also like date night with your mom.
For my grown ass man beard it takes more work. Not only do I have to get it ON my beard, I have to get it IN my beard, and BEHIND my beard... again... like date night with your mom.
The oil gives my beard a bit of a shine and helps shape it a TINY little bit... just enough for me to get out the door, but not enough for me to still look good an hour later... although I still look good several hours later because I'm awesome and because I find myself running my hands over my beard when I'm out... shaping it... somewhat out of habit, and somewhat unconscious grooming.
Now if there's any of that oily residue left on your hands, try wiping it on the back of your neck or chest, or arms... it's also good for your skin and since you are using scented beard oil, you won't have to use cologne. Unless you really like the aroma of chloroform.
Now you know why beard oils are so damn expensive so stop whining about the price and make your mamma proud big guy!
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